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| going back on my entries, i feel like i haven't kept a promise to myself. i strive for more in one field only to lose something else.
i've been primarily focused on being financially responsible as i had set out to do 3 years ago. for the sake of those closest to me, i worked nights, weekends, any overtime i could get. i've tried hard to climb that ladder and achieved certain things that i am proud of.. but at the same time, i've been feeling very depressed.
this month has been terrible. between two car accidents and my dog getting glaucoma, i've needed a shoulder to lean on. just some sort of 'pick me up.' but it turns out that some of my friends are not as reliable as i thought they could be.
more than that.. focusing on myself, i've lost so many defining characteristics that i used to value. the ability to see beauty in everything. the willingness to stare into the sky for hours pondering what can give my life meaning. the desire to create art with my hands. and i want it back so badly.
i know that one day, when i lie on my deathbed, i will have regret in my heart. i can see it these days when i wake up. i've had to sacrifice so much for a ..secure future, only to realize that when that day comes, i'll wonder why i didn't take more risks. i need to breathe again.
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| to wake up every day thinking about your own mortality is a blessing and curse.
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| when a rock hits the ground,
the first impact is the strongest.
the second bounce and those thereafter do not carry the same effect.
just like everything that inspires us,
loses its effect gradually.
gravity..
that is what i will overcome.
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The True Meaning of Christmas
i'm not religious, so i can't celebrate the birth of christ. i'm not materialistic, so gifts don't
count much either. so what is x-mas to me? well, let's look at the scriptures to find a purpose.
now most people have a brief memory of the nativity scene - that Joseph and Mary were refused
at the inn and had to go to a barn. but if we delve deeper into the story, we'll read:
The inn was overcrowded, and Joseph accordingly sought lodgings
with distant relatives, but every room in Bethlehem was filled to
overflowing. On returning to the courtyard of the inn, he was
informed that the caravan stables, hewn out of the side of the rock
and situated just below the inn, had been cleared of animals and
cleaned up for the reception of lodgers...Tent curtains had been
hung, and they counted themselves fortunate to have such
comfortable quarters.
from this paragraph, we realize that Joseph and Mary weren't treated badly. especially if we consider
the circumstances: they arrived too late; the inn was overbooked; and the stable was properly
prepared for them. in recollection, we see that the innkeeper was a pretty decent guy.
but the most important part of this story, which no one acknowledges, is:
Joseph and Mary were nobodies before the birth of Jesus.
just an ordinary couple from a poor village.
and for the innkeeper to make such efforts in providing room for them, is a true act of kindness.
to give complete strangers a free place to sleep. to help someone without expecting any personal gains.
that's what christmas means to me..
to care.
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| when did you find out that santa doesn't exist?
i found out when i was about 10 months old; growing up
with my grandparents, i was raised under asian customs.
besides, my family was making ends meet and couldn't buy xmas gifts.
but, in truth, i always hoped that i was wrong.
i remember watching those clay-animated christmas shows,
and wondering if santa didn't like me. so for the next couple of
years, i made several attempts at pleasing mr. claus with treats.
i saved oreos from dinner and placed them next to my window,
hoping he'd come from the fire escape. i took one of my socks
and left it on the windowsill. i even asked santa directly when
i saw him ringing his bell on the sidewalk.
eventually, i reasoned that it was because i didn't have a fireplace;
my chimney was placed right above the stove, and santa didn't
want to steam his butt on the way down.
so by my sixth year, i went up to the roof of my apartment, and
drew arrows on construction paper - leading the way to the
fire escape ladder. i thought he might make an exception for
us children with poorly-designed chimneys. and i thought:
"please santa, prove me wrong and come to see me tonight."
but, he didn't visit... and i gave up.
and that's the story of how i became the grinch..
here's a picture of me in fourth grade.
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writethisdownok
